We've all been there, we've all felt that fear. There's a big scene coming up. A big,intense,testing,scene.Then comes the fear. That feeling that this time, I'm not going to be able to take it that this time I will disgrace myself. I wouldn't want them to go easy on me though........
The fear is bad enough when I know exactly what is going to happen, but it is even worse when I don't know the details, only a few general things., but not exactly WHAT is going to happen to me. Fear of the unknown is the worst type of the fear.The knowledge too, that there will be no 'safe word', no way of making it stop... The key word here is trust. I have a complete and utter trust in the people organising the scene. That though they will push me, and test me to my limits and possibly beyond, they will not put me through anything that I cannot possibly take.
All of this I know at the time, and yet waiting, the big countdown to the event is the worst. Anticipation is it's own torture. The things that I imagine aregoing to happen to me are worse then the reality will ever be. The logical part of my brain does not tell me this. It does not tell me me 'yes it will be hard, and nasty but I will endure, and get through it fine and feel amazing after.'
The fear is still there: disturbing my sleep, making my stomach feel funny, even though I try to banish all thought from my mind of the impending event. Even when not thinking about it, my body still feels and reacts to the fear.
I both love and hate the fear. I love to ride it, to go against it. To fight the feeling that says:'ddo not do this, do not put yourself through that....'
Yet as the scene gets closer the fear changes, replaced by calm acceptance. I will take, accept, endure whatever happens to me. Once the scene gets going, the acceptance becomes easier. Funily enough, my first thought is usually 'This isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.' That doesn't prevent the fear from coming back the next time though.....
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